I have always been searching. Ever since I was a child, I’ve known that there’s something important, something that’s not always so obvious in the mundane life, that is sorely missing when not present. It became clear fairly soon, too, that not all people around me shared that same longing. And so, my choices have never been mainstream.
I was brought up in religious freedom. My mom always told me about her religious and spiritual experiences, and my dad, being brought up a pentecostal Christian, albeit aspostazised as an adult, condoned. They took me and my sisters to Sunday school, and encouraged us to go to Christian meetings when we got a bit older – but force was never ever a part of our religious upbringing, and God was always a nice, loving heavenly father to me. It was merely that they presented us with their own beliefs and experiences, and mom told us time and time again that we would have to make our own choices and choose our own paths when we got older and ready for it.
And I had such strange thoughts as a child. I clearly remember having thoughts about not belonging in this century, and I missed my own time so badly at times, I even contemplated the possibility and what would happen if I died. And then, when my dog was put to sleep, I took comfort in the thought that she was being born again, finding love and affection and happiness with another child, who would love her just as much as I did. It’s strange to think about that now – where did these thoughts come from? I was only ten years old at that time, and I already had a belief in reincarnation… without even being taught.
At the same time, I was completely fascinated with the occult. ESP. Divination. Telepathic communication, dreams, orbs, ghosts, magic, herbs… everything that sounded slightly mystical had my attention as soon as it presented itself. I started reading adult fantasy at 12, and I devoured it. Completely.When my friends still were on pony books, I was reading up on zone therapy and yoga. Every now and then we had a library bus coming to our elementary school, which provided me with new, exciting reading materials.
Suffice to say; my social life was not blooming at the time, with me buried in books, thinking thoughts the other children couldn’t relate to if they tried. I practised meditation and self-hypnosis in our playhouse, and spent my summers collecting herbs and finding out how I could use them. I was a witch child.
My mom, staying more or less close to her Christian beliefs, had a friend in a nearby pentecostal congregation, and her daughter was my best friend at the time. She was two years older than I was, and being brought up in a spiritual manner, it was as close as I could get to someone who’d understand, I guess. She was a part of the youth choir in her congregation, and as soon as I was 13 and old enough, I joined, too.
That was a big water shed for me. Finally, like-minded people – at least, if I kept quiet about my true beliefs and instead became a pentecostal Christian like they were. I had friends. We were 7 girls at the front row of the choir, and we became very close. In the beginning, it was so sweet being part of a society, we went on trips, we had girl’s nights, we shared everything from heart-break to spiritual insights.
But as I grew a few years older, I started getting this nagging feeling that I did not belong with them. My friends wouldn’t go the movies with me, on account of it being a sin. Sexuality could not be spoken of. Pop music had evil messages if played backwards. And the dumb-ass preacher told me that animals did not go heaven, like I believed and felt strongly about.
And one time, I even got caught up in a real life exorcism, being prayed over with a hand on my forehead to drive Satan out of me. He’d gotten into me for reading those fantasy books, of course.
That was the beginning of my inner torment. Was I possessed by Satan? Were the Christians completely insane? Was it even possible for me to actually be who and what I was, and still be with them? Could it be combined, this immensely strong calling of the mysteries and my love for Christ? I looked everywhere for a solution, and it had me questioning everything I’d ever heard from my preacher. Moses practised magic, didn’t he, when he parted the water? Saul spoke to the dead, yes? And so it IS possible to summon the dead? But you just said…
It all, eventually, boiled down to one pure insight: The Bible was not right. Too many contradictions; why would Judas be punished for doing the Lord’s work, which had been planned all along, according to the Old Testament?
And so I broke up with the Christian, indecisive, inconsequent and mentally unstable God. We were through.
The time gap between faiths allowed me to experiment a little with magick, and I developed my telepathic skills a bit further. My boyfriend at the time was highly intuitive, and since this was the time before cell phones, we communicated in any way we could.
I specifically remember one summer, when I was on a trip with my dad. I really missed my boyfriend, and so I lay down on my hotel bed, getting myself into alpha, and travelled to see him. He was down by a lake, and had his dog with him. I came so close I could actually feel him… and when I woke up, I noted the day and the time so that I could ask him when I got home. But he beat me to it, and asked me what the hell I was doing Thursday night around 6pm. He had been down with the lake, walking his dog, and all of a sudden I was there, he told me.
There were more experiences like this, of course, we read each other’s minds and had an uncanny connection, but when we finally broke up, I had to close it down in order to not go insane from knowing way too much. It felt like I had lost one of my senses (in fact, I actually did), and it became harder to navigate in the world without it.
But I didn’t give up on my practise. I started doing readings in table cards and later on I got some tarot cards as well.
As time went by and the technology became more and more advanced, I also got access to the internet, and lo’ and behold – there were more people like me out there. I wasn’t alone, not at all. Witches.
And so I dived deep into Wicca.