Once upon a time there was a girl.
She was living in a small apartment, far away from people. She was happy here for a while – but then her life fell completely apart. Her boyfriend left her, her health was fading and her finances were a total catastrophe. And as he moved all his things out of her life, she saw what was left of it.
She had no money, no self-esteem and no food in her fridge. She had no friends to call, nowhere to go, and as she looked around on all the emptiness around her, she saw that she was literally living in her own dirt. The dust bunnies under her bed were the size of badgers. The cats and all the kittens had left traces of fur, pee, shit and left-overs from their preys over the years. She even found a dry, flat and very dead mouse under her freezer.
It was ground zero.
I still remember the day I came home after he had taken all his things. I remember just lying on the middle of the floor, thinking there was no point in even turning on the lights anymore. So I just lay there, crying hopelessly, with a sinking feeling of doom in my heart. I don’t know for how long. I was completely devastated.
I realize now, of course, that there are worse things in life than what I was going through, but for me, at that time, it really did feel like a total melt-down. I had to rebuild myself, my life, from scratch, utilizing everything I had ever learned from my education as a pre-school teacher (I was in the middle of the studies at that time), self-help and personal development to get back on my feet.
The first thing I did, as soon as I was able to think straight and breath without crying (which, to be honest, took a few months), was to get an overview of the situation and break it down into tiny parts which I could actually handle. I didn’t know if I ever was going to get my ex back again or not, but I figured I wasn’t getting anywhere in the state I was in at that point. Not with him, not with myself, and not with another man.
Something had to change, and so I became my own renovation project.
I divided my problems into these categories:
And then I got to work.
I had the book Creative Visualization by Shakti Gawain, and plowed through it. One of the techniques in there is to write down where you want to be in 5 years from now – then what you need to do in one year, 6 months, one month, one week and finally today, to reach your goals.
I visualized my broken heart out.
Each month I would revise my goals, and each Sunday I would write a new page in my visualization book, designing the upcoming week and making absolutely sure I did everything I could to take me out of this black hole and make my dreams come true.
And when I look back now, almost 12 years later, I see that nearly all of it came to manifestation by the time I visualized it would – some things even a lot faster than the 5 year plan I made for myself.
I don’t live in a small apartment with bad air and cat pee in the corners anymore. I live in a two storey house with an apartment in the cellar, and according to the papers, I own half of it.
My health issues were taken care of, and most of the problems I had disappeared once I moved to a place with proper ventilation and got rid of the cats (which I had a severe allergy for). And I eventually quit smoking – that was a great bonus for my asthma allergic lungs.
FlyLady helped me get my apartment (and later my house) on track, and that also helped immensely on my sense of mastery. I still remember the feeling of having cleaned the pipes in the kitchen cabinet, inside out, all on my own, and I actually had to go outside and look in on my kitchen sink to see how it sparkled and shone, even from there.
I continued my education, and graduated among the best in my class. On the side, I had three extra jobs at most, and three months before I finished, I was done with my bills. I clearly remember driving around playing Anastacia’s Paid My Dues, singing from the top of my lungs, with a big grin on my face.
I didn’t do everything on my own, though. My first ex saw how badly I was doing, and knowing first hand how I’d deal with this stuff on my own, he made sure I wouldn’t rot in my own sorrow. He invited me to all his parties and made sure I had a social life, and he’d even sneak me a Valium if the times were extra tough.
In the summer, I’d get myself a summer job in another city, forcing myself to push boundaries and stand on my own two feet. Up until then, my former boyfriend had been doing the driving. Now, I had to navigate and get to work on my own. It was insanely scary, but I had to do it – and I did.
Romantically, while I was preparing myself for meeting another guy, I also wrote a list of all the traits I’d love to see in my man, visualizing how it would feel like to meet him.
And then I did.
I had almost forgotten about the list by then, but I remembered after a little while. This was the man who was going to become the father of my child. And he didn’t have to deal with dead mice or a giant stack of bills when he entered my life. I had mended my heart, seriously decluttered my life, and I had cleared the space for him to enter.
There were still troubles to come, though, I’d worked my ass off to pay my bills and to graduate from University College at the same time, and that had taken its toll on my health. I’m still not done manifesting the life I want (funny thing, no matter how much you manifest, you still need to move forward!), and I don’t think that I’ll ever will be – but sometimes, it’s useful to look back and remember what it used to be like. To see how far I’ve truly come, and to remind myself that I hold within me the power to manifest my own life, no matter how bleak it looks.