The discovery of Wicca was a new water shed in my spirituality, and the more I read, the more intrigued I became. A God AND a Goddess? Balance between masculine and feminine? Spellcraft, magic, herbs? Reincarnation, telepathy, connection to animals and nature… I was on my way home.
But this, of course, also had social consequences. My Christian friends did not like this development at all, and on the last trip we went on together, it became clear that respect for other people’s beliefs was not quite on their agenda. It was like mixing oil and water, it just couldn’t be done. And so I left them.
I was on my own again, this time as a solitary Wiccan, but Internet had changed so much from the last time I was all alone. Information was readily at hand, as soon as I could get to a computer. I didn’t have one of my own yet, but every lunch break on school and every spare time I could get, went into researching and learning and printing important information for me to take home. And soon I discovered that there were also English books to order, as the online bookstores popped up.
I was living out in the forest at that time, with few neighbors and the river flowing by, and I practised, experimented, learned, lived and grew. After a short while, I got a new boyfriend and he moved in with me, and I learned to work my magick and read my tarot cards when he wasn’t there. He was not of the same faith, being brought up a Christian, but he respected my practise. It worked out beautifully.
With him came also a PC and an internet connection. And with that, a community became available to me 24/7. Me and some online friends started the mIRC channel #wicca.no, and it turned out that a gay couple practicing Santeria lived only 30 minutes away from me. They even came to visit once, and I also attended a Midsummer night celebration with some people I met online. Things were looking good.
And then, it went sour.
I had to make a tough decision and ban a guy from the mIRC channel, and after that, all hell broke loose. The Witch War was on, and I got an email saying that I wasn’t witch enough to stop it. I was, of course. My intuition told me exactly where he was about to hit, and I put up an instant protection shield to reflect anything coming my way, right back to where it came from. I never heard from him again.
But the drama in the community was endless, and I soon lost interest. And when my relationship finally ended, partly due to me spending so much time online, I was devastated and ready for a change.
I had learned that I didn’t have one single Earth sign in my native chart, and my childhood and youth considered, it was time to take a break from the most alternative parts of my life, to get some experience with the Real World. I decided that instead of doing spells to pay my bills, I would actually work extra and as much as I could, while finishing my education.
I still practised some of it, though, like visualization to re-build my life after the break-up, but I sold most of my witchy stuff and books, and officially retired. That didn’t go too well with my witchy friends either, who told me that I could never just stop being a witch. Well, perhaps not. But I could stop practising the craft, and so I did. I set up an extra protection for my ex, making sure he was safe, even from me, and I signed off.
I sometimes wonder if that was the absolute worst decision of my life, or the best one. I got my Earth experience, all right, it was an earth quake. I got economic problems, health issues, parents almost divorcing , work problems, fertility problems, you name it. Not one Earth aspect remained untouched. And I spent the next years trying to sort them out, resorting only to self-hypnosis and visualization to get me through.
I was thoroughly grounded, to say the least. As I write this, I ponder if I may actually have gone through a lifetime of negative Earth aspects to solve in just one decade, just to get the experience and move on. Because I came out of this stronger, more confident than I ever was before, and then I was ready to go back to my witchy ways again.
Except that I couldn’t.
My tarot cards only reminded me of my bad break-up and the times following, where I’d check my cards every 15 minutes to see if he thought about coming home. I had matured too much otherwise, to just pick it all up where I left. I had no longing in me to go back to the fucked up community I left, either.
I had to start anew, getting new tarot cards, keeping only the good parts, looking for more goodness to add to my very own eclectic mix. I don’t consider myself to be Wiccan anymore, I don’t have any relationship to the deities nor the God, and some of the rituals now seem ridiculously theatrical to me – I think I actually may have developed a serious allergy for drama. I mean no disrespect, but for me, now, it’s not right anymore.
In the meantime, after having solved most of my Earth issues, I’ve aimed to live a natural life, getting deep in touch with nature, taking care of the Gaia in every way I could. I suppose this has become a strong part of my spirituality, a remnant of my time as a solitary Wiccan, and that is what I’m building my practises and spirituality around this time around, too.
I do not know what to call myself these days, and I don’t really care, either. A Goddess worshipper and tree hugger may be the closest I come to a description of my spirituality, and I’m reading all I can about the old European Goddess cult in search of the most fundamental there is, as the Goddess worship was the very beginning of human religious practise. And I’m researching what it was like here, in Norse and prehistoric times, trying to find something deep within me to draw on, something that rings absolutely true in my heart. To find my sacred ground.
Because I think I’m ready to come back to the beginning now. Down through my roots. Deep into Earth. Connecting with the Goddess herself.
Finally coming home.