Jamie Ridler’s prompt this Wishcasting Wednesday, is to write about how we would wish to spend our time.
And you know, there was a time I thought this would be an easy question to answer. I’d love to read a good book. Watch a great movie. To be left alone, quite simply, to meditate and dwell on my own thoughts and dreams. But then I got that, and it was lonely and depressing and I didn’t want it anymore.
(I realized this the night I caught myself saying good night to the anchor man on the TV, after a day when going to the toilet was the most exiting thing I’d done. It must have been the day after I did laundry. Oh yeah, I had some REALLY adventurous days back then.)
I wanted a boyfriend and a child, to spend all my time with them. And as I met him, and became pregnant, I remember sighing with relief… that I’d actually wouldn’t be alone anymore, at least in the next 18 years to come. My days of insane mumbling with whoever was on TV was over, for good, and that thought felt so comforting to me. Never. Alone. Again.
Fast forward again, to present day.
Now I’m a mom to a wonderful 4-year old. And while I love spending time with my man and our daughter (she has the most amazing cheeks to kiss!!), there are of course times when I miss the silence and the empty days from Way Back When I Could Hear My Own Thoughts and actually complete them without having to wipe somebody’s tush in the middle of a spontaneous meditation or Deep Thought. I’m an introvert, you see. It can be hard to be held hostage in the outside world without being able to dive deep into oneself once in a while.
Balance, I think, is the word I’m looking for here. I need to balance how I spend my time. Too little or too much of anything, and it goes sour on me.
I will never be happy about how I spend my time, unless I have a choice. It’s a prison if you can’t escape – and I’m just not happy in captivity.
What I’ve realized is that I always, without exception, long for the option that would give me the most freedom from where I am at the moment. I’m always looking for the escape sign, the thing that will keep me from feeling like a caged animal, the path that will lead to me living so wildly and freely as I can.
How I wish to spend my time?
I wish to spend my time as a Free Soul, dancing only to the tunes of my own heartbeat, doing whatever calls to me in the moment, in a perfect trust that it will be the right thing to do, in that exact moment.