So, I listened to Rose Cole’s newest High Priestess call today, a replay which is only a few days old (I never seem to get to listen to those things live). I highly recommend all of her High Priestess calls, by the way, they are so insanely thought provoking and inspirational. I have them all on my cell phone, so every once in a while I go through them. Perfect for long walks in the woods, I reckon. 🙂
This time, what caught my attention, was two things.
1. There is always a breakdown before the breakthrough.
2. There is also often a regression when your life is about to reach the next level.
Sounds like she had hacked herself into my life the last months.
You know a bit about the breakdown, even though I haven’t blogged much about it. And I’m not gonna be repeating it all over and over again, but I left my partner and just recently found a new place to live.
I haven’t told you how hard it was, on a purely physical level, though.
See, I’m highly sensitive. And there I was, with my world literally falling apart around me. There was no arguing or nothing like that, we separated as good friends and no hard feelings whatsoever, but the routines changed, which threw me completely out of balance… and on top of that, my new boyfriend has a cat, which I’m highly allergic to, so in order for me to be able to stay there (which I desperately needed, in the state of chaos I was in), I had to go to the doctor to get myself an inhalator.
Cortisone. The synthetic stress hormone. Just the thing, right, when my highly sensitive system was already going under from stress. NOT.
I was, to be completely honest, feeling what I was losing my freaking mind. To the point where two of my closest peeps begged me to go get tested for ADHD – that’s the state of mess I found myself in.
That’s the breakdown part.
The regression part?
You know how I always talk about natural foods, chemicals which should be avoided, the need to move naturally and freely?
The last few months I have taken up smoking again. And I have, for days at a time, lived on potato chips and coke, it has fallen completely apart and taken me back to where I used to be 10 years ago.
It’s like I have been doing every single thing possible to sabotage myself in the most critical and stressful period of my life.
Why the fuck is that?
I remember thinking to myself, that «yaknow, you might want to get yourself some nutrients some day here..?», and then just brushing it off with some lame excuse. Because I couldn’t, I just simply couldn’t. Not for the life of me. There was no way it was even possible.
It almost ruined my new relationship, with me not being able function on a rational level as much as I needed to, to navigate through the chaos.
It messed up my relationship with my daughter a bit, too, although we are on solid ground and patched it up fairly quickly once I got some food and some much needed sleep.
Massive, MASSIVE self-sabotage.
But there is another lesson to be learned here as well.
Like Rose is saying in her call: there is no one who can take you out of your higher self, not even if they throw you in prison.
All my thoughts and good intentions about natural foods and health and sleep fell away with the routines and the safety, as if they had never been important to me at all.
But one thing remained, rock solid, and in fact, it got even stronger during those months:
The ability and will to see through the structures of society, to wade through the jungle of what people feel you need to feel, to see through other’s and own safeguards and to get to the core issue and raw feelings underneath it all. Both on an individual level, as a society and then globally.
I even feel it in my chest when I’m writing this: that this is the very essence, right here: to get to the wilderness beneath it all, and to make sure those hidden needs are met. So that the healing can be done.
I don’t think I will be writing much about the natural lifestyle anymore, not unless I report directly from what I’ve been up to for myself lately or something like that.
I really feel like need to get to the inner wilderness now. To tear down the structures we see as reality.
To find the essence.
And to do whatever I can to help it heal.